Tony Summer

This book is the story of my self-deception about my “deviant” sexuality and my protracted and painful progress toward self-understanding and self-acceptance. Unavoidably, the book involves explicit descriptions of a wide range of activities often regarded as sexually deviant. It is not intended as pornographic; though some people may use it that way. It describes how I deceived myself about my sexuality as a consequence of trying to conform to the norms of my inherited culture. I hope that it will be found enlightening and entertaining. I also hope that it will be helpful to people who are struggling to adjust themselves to social expectations that make unreasonable demands upon them and that it will help them to avoid the psychological crises and decades of wasted life that I suffered.

This monograph presents a new analysis of the ‘straight’ self-deception that depends upon motivational bias as well as an account of the unstudied phenomenon of self-deception that is dependent on expectational bias. Cases of ‘twisted’ self deception are then explained as resulting from a conflict between motivational and expectational bias. In all cases, self-deception is shown to be an unintended result of an agent’s intentional activity directed at saving a theory toward which she is biased. The exposition is novel in drawing on insights from the philosophy and history of science to illuminate the problem of self-deception. The central notion in the new analysis is that of an ad hoc manoeuvre, which is taken from Karl Popper. The analysis of self-deception is supported by various new examples, the most detailed of which is a case study of a self-deceived homosexual, which is taken from the author’s own life and which gives an intimate insight into the dynamics of the phenomenon. Throughout, the approach taken by the author is critically compared with the best of the other available accounts of self-deception. This book is intended as a clear and readable introduction to the murky topic of self-deception that is accessible to the layperson as well as undergraduates, while also providing stimulation, insight and provocation to the academic philosophers and psychologists doing research in this area.

I offer a personal case-study to show how poor self-knowledge due in part to self-deception led to wasted life, a life lacking in meaning, and descent into severe anxiety and depression. A meaningful human life connects with things of value outside of itself and provides fulfilment for its bearer. For humans, fulfilment depends upon self-discovery, which requires a process of conjecture and refutation, a willingness to question and criticise received views and to welcome challenges and criticism to views that one holds dear and that may seem to be part of one’s identity. When one pursues an organised project of self-discovery, living one’s life is intertwined with drafting a philosophical autobiography.

Personal fulfilment depends upon knowledge of one’s identity. A person discovers her identity by trial and error. The experimentation and critical evaluation that are indispensable for that are inhibited by various strands of the currently trendy “identity politics.” I identify and criticise six errors: that self-identification determines identity; that one discovers one’s identity by looking inward; that a person’s identity is substantially determined by her inherited culture; that one can discover one’s identity through consciousness-raising; that criticism or microaggression undermines a person’s identity; and that cultural appropriation is objectionable. I give an example from my own search for my identity to illustrate how each of the six errors subverts self-discovery and puts obstacles in the way of human fulfilment.

Poor self-knowledge brought about my descent into depression, anxiety and uncontrollable bruxism. I wrote my life story as an attempt to discover who I am so that I could overcome my trauma. The attempt failed, partly due to self-deception and partly because there is more to discovering oneself than analysing critically how one has lived so far. I eventually discovered who I am by adopting a critical attitude and the method of conjecture and refutation. A person can best discover who she is, and thereby live a fulfilling life, if she tests types of life by living them and holds all her views open to criticism. When one pursues such an organised project of self-discovery, elements of philosophical autobiography become part of living one’s life.

A human life is meaningful to the extent that it connects with something greater than itself in a way that produces good for others and provides future challenges, past achievements, interpersonal connection and fulfilment for the person whose life it is. Self-fulfilment depends upon self-discovery. Adapting the logic of scientific discovery I suggest that a person can best discover who she is by employing an organised and critical process of conjecture and refutation, testing kinds of life by living them and making judgements concerning her fulfilment. I discuss some practical limitations on this process, particularly our proneness to self-deception. I illustrate these points with autobiographical reflections concerning how poor self-knowledge, in part due to self-deception, brought about my descent into depression, anxiety and uncontrollable bruxism, and how that personal disaster could have been avoided if I had set out to discover myself in an organised and critical way. If one is to discover oneself and lead a fulfilling life, one must be prepared to question and criticise received views and one must welcome challenges and criticism to views that one holds dear and that even seem, at the moment, to be part of one’s identity. A philosophical autobiography should be, amongst other things, an account of the author’s progress, or otherwise, in discovering the type of life that she finds most fulfilling. For someone who pursues an organised project of self-discovery, life and philosophical autobiography become intertwined.

This autobiography addresses philosophical questions concerning the meaning of life, the possibility of knowledge, ethical challenges of the human condition, and how a person discovers who he or she is or ought to be. I wasted large stretches of my life being things, or trying to be things, that were not really me, such as a revolutionary, a drunk, a tough-guy and a heterosexual. I also spent years trying to hide from myself what I really was. I take myself to have discovered who, or what, I am, though I could have done so more swiftly, and had a much more fulfilling life, if I had taken a more organised and critical approach to self-discovery. The book begins with a crisis of depression, anxiety and bruxism which tore me apart in my late forties. It then recounts my early years, in the slums then a council estate, before tracing my chequered career(s) as student, labourer, barman, petty criminal, paper boy, university teacher, local government officer, management advisor, transvestite prostitute, and management accountant, also pondering the behaviour of the varied characters with whom I came into contact. The course of my social life, or lack of it, sees me develop from loner to headbanger, hedonist, drunkard and politico. For decades, my sexual nature was a conundrum to myself, as I passed from heterosexual to bisexual to homosexual, alternately indulging and disdaining transvestism and sado-masochism. The sexual descriptions are more or less clinical, rather than erotic, but they are often explicit. I make no apology for that. No honest or adequate book about self-discovery could either ignore sex or treat it perfunctorily. This life-story is also in part a philosophy book, in part a self-help book, in part a catalogue of sexual quirks, and in part a collection of slice-of-life anecdotes and incidents. My hope is that people will find it interesting, amusing, instructive, and a source of material for reflection on their own lives that helps them to discover who they are or who they can be.